Reprehensible Refrains

If I ruled the world, I would ban certain expressions. "Because I said so" never convinced any kid to do anything, and never actually ends the discussion. "But WHY?" always follows, so you might as well start with a better answer.

"If so-and-so told you to jump off a bridge, would you jump?" should not be applied to situations that are not analogous. You wouldn't dive off the Golden Gate on your boss's orders, but I bet you'd make extra copies if she said so.

"Life's not fair." This was definitely a favorite of my parents, as I always let them know immediately if my brother had gotten a bigger cookie, was sitting in the window seat after I'd called it, or was slacking off on dishwashing duty. I knew life wasn't fair, and their response only intensified my desire for these greivous wrongs to be righted.

"I'll tell you when you're older." No, you won't! By the time the kid is old enough to hear the secret, you'll have long forgotten what it was. I'm still waiting for older cousins, babysitters, and a few of my teachers to confess all that delicious gossip they once promised me.

For all of you out there who are thinking, "Just wait til you have kids," don't. I've done my share of child care and teaching, and no matter the temptation, I've never used a single one of these. I have two solutions, so babysitters and parents everywhere, listen up.

First, your face won't freeze when you scrunch it up. Nor will you damage your tongue if you stick it out and try to touch your nose. Can you cross your eyes? Sit in the lotus position? Stupid human tricks are always good distractions, and the kids will probably forget what they were arguing about in their eagerness to imitate you.

Second, lie a little. "You can't climb to the top of the slide because the wicked witch of the playground might grab you! She only likes little boys in blue shirts. Look, she's coming. Runnnnn!" Or, "Mike's piece of cake is bigger, but yours has more icing. You'd better eat it before he sees!" Honesty is not always the best policy. Remember when I said I'd never used any of those expressions? I did. But I won't, ever again. And you shouldn't either... because I said so.